From: Melissa Stanton Ever since I wrote The Stay-at-Home Survival Guide and started posting my motherhood-related articles on this website as well as on other parenting sites (click here to continue)
After several years of stay-at-home motherhood and work-from-home freelancing I recently returned to the full-time, office-based workforce. (Hence my absence from posting on this site.) So far so good, at the job and on the home front. My three children are school-age now, and unlike in my past career, when leaving the office at 6 p.m. was considered skipping out early, my new job allows me to get home at a decent time.
Having been out of the traditional workforce, I'm finding joy in many aspects of work life I took for granted before I "stopped working" (yeah, right) in order to care for children. I'm listing my newfound pleasures here—while they're still a novelty and I'm appreciative and not jaded, exhausted or burned out from working 9 to 5.
1) The very nice building I work in has a very nice cafeteria. It's such a treat to eat lunch without having to shop for the groceries, prepare food for myself and other people, clean the kitchen, and do it all again 20 minutes later when someone decides he or she is still hungry, thirsty, bored ...
2) I can use the bathroom without someone walking in on me, screaming for me, or picking a fight with a sibling because I'm temporarily out of sight.
3) I enjoy having to get properly dressed in the morning. (Yes, I know a stay-at-home mom and work-from-home person can, and probably should, get herself properly dressed even if she's spending the entire day at home. But since I wasn't being seen much by the outside world, I didn't want to spend money on clothes for me. I also worried about ruining the few nice outfits I had that still fit.) 4) I'm able to concentrate on work without near constant interruptions.
5) I can have uninterupted conversations with adults.
6) I like being able to spend time in a city (I work in Washington D.C.) as well as in the suburban, rurally beautiful (but sometimes isolating) area where I live.
7) When I commute by car, I appreciate the freedom to listen to my radio station. When I commute by train, I appreciate how public transportation frees me from my minivan and provides me with an efficient workout. (Climbing Metro station stairs and escalators while wearing a winter coat and carrying a heavy purse is exercise.)
8) I find that by having structure and variety to my day (i.e. work and home, not just all home, all the time), I'm tons more efficient.
9) Instead of my children and I being at each others' throats by evening, they're happy to see me when I arrive home and I look forward to spending time with them.
10) In this economy, I'm very thankful to have found a job. And after working so hard, for so many years, with little to no monetary recognition, it's really nice to receive a regular paycheck again.
I was recently describing to my 11-year-old son how, when I was pregnant with him, I rented a pair of pagers so if I went into labor and wasn't with my husband or couldn't reach him by phone, I could page him.
Of course if I were in such a situation today (won't be, but if ...) I'd just call my husband's cell phone, or email him, or send him a text, or I'd reach out to one of the dozens of other people I could contact in a split second to hunt him down or come by and help me.
Communications technology and daily life has changed so much in a decade. (Do people even use pagers anymore? Would a child today actually know how to use a rotary telephone?) In 2000, when the magazine I worked for set me up so I could log into the office from home on nights and weekends, it was a two-day undertaking that involved DSL lines, unreliable connections and lots of oversized computer equipment. Seven years later I wrote a book while sitting in a rural Maryland coffee shop with my laptop and a wireless modem.
The attached list, 50 Things That Changed Our Lives in the Aughts, was compiled by Jocelyn Noveck of The Associated Press. It's an interesting recap of the decade's technical and cultural advances (and regressions?), such as blogs, Facebook, GPS, Wikipedia, Twitter, YouTube, iPods, Apps, Reality TV. Most of the list can be shared with your kids.
When I write my family's annual holiday card letter, I'm writing for two audiences. The first consists of our far-flung friends and family, the people we no longer get to see on a regular basis. The second group is composed of my three children—or, rather, my children's future selves. My hope is that my yearly recaps will help them remember their childhoods and our lives together.
I can't fit the following tidbit into the letter (I keep my year-in-reviews to one page), but I think it's something readers here will appreciate, especially if they have a daughter.
Earlier this year, the elder of my seven-year-old twins (i.e. the one who is at varying times age 17 or 37) asked me, "Why can't boys be doctors?"
As I responded that "boys" could in fact be doctors, and reminded her of some of the male doctors we knew, I realized that all of her doctors—her pediatrician, dentist, orthodontist—are women.
When I explained that there was a time when all doctors were men, and that women weren't allowed to go to medical school, she exclaimed, "What!? Are you kidding me?" What was once the norm (men as doctors, women not) made no sense to her, just as it wasn't making sense to her that boys, because they are boys, might be prohibited from becoming doctors.
This daughter and I had a similar conversation during the presidential inauguration. She understood that George W. Bush was leaving as president and that Barack Obama was becoming the president, but she wanted to know when "the lady" was president. (She had seen Hillary Clinton on TV during the campaign and vaguely knew she had already lived in the White House.) I replied that the United States has never had a female president. That answer of course led to the question, "Why not?" After a lengthy discussion about the history of womanhood in America, Ms. Ava asked when our country would have a "girl president." I said I didn't know.
"It might not be until you're a grown-up," I answered. "In fact, it might be you."
She smiled.
Pictured, in a 2004 snapshot: A future commander-in-chief?
I volunteer at a health clinic where I routinely take phone calls from uninsured people canceling their appointments because, as the date nears, they realize they won't have the cash on hand to pay for the office visit. (Even though patients are charged on a sliding scale based upon income, everyone needs to to pay something.)
I recall the hardship of not having health insurance as a child, when both my father and stepfather were laid off from their corporate jobs. Although my mother and stepmother both worked, neither received employer-sponsored insurance nor earned enough to pay for coverage on the open market.
I won't ever forget the years I had to pay for health insurance premiums from dollar one because although I worked, and my husband worked, we didn't have employer-subsidized group health insurance.
Earlier today I received an Explanation of Benefit Payments from my insurance company. I was again reminded of how fortunate my family is to have employer-sponsored health insurance (which we do through my husband's job)—and how disastrous it would be if we didn't.
My son had outpatient surgery a few weeks ago. The hospital costs for that procedure: $10,842.85.
Because our insurer has a "negotiated reimbursement" rate plan with the hospital, the "allowed amount" for my son's care is $1,503.
Because we've already met our family deductible and out-of-pocket maximum, I need to pay just $300 for the hospital services. The insurance company will reimburse the hospital for $1,203.
If we didn't have insurance, as many families don't, my husband and I would be staring at a $10,842.85 hospital bill for our son's surgery.
I don't fully understand why there's such a vast difference between what an insurance company is invoiced and what an uninsured individual is charged and required to pay. But I do understand how just one hospital bill, from one surgery, can catapult a family into spiraling debt.
This week's "I Want to Be Famous" Hall of Shame winners are (so far) White House party crashersMichaele and Tareq Salahi.
The Salahis claim to have been invited to last Tuesday's State Dinner. Media reports are that the couple are aspiring socialites and serial celebrity-chasers who want to land a TV deal with Bravo. (The buzz is that they're lobbying to be on Real Housewives of D.C.) Click here to see photo after photo of the Salahis nuzzling up to celebrities ranging from Oprah to Star Jones to Bill Clinton to Willard Scott to John McCain.
I covered celebrities when I worked at People and LIFE magazines and the only souvenir snapshot I have is a Polaroid test shot of me with Tom Brokaw's dog. I considered it unprofessional to ask a "star" to pose for a picture with me. Silly me.
The Salahis' tale of audacity and self-promotion has made me think:
1) If it's that easy to get into a White House party, I should go to one. I live in the Washington D.C. area, I'm a supporter of the president, and I could wear the gown I wore to an inaugural ball last January. (I'm a D.C. nobody, so it's not like anyone would even notice me wearing the same dress twice.)
2) If it's that easy to get so close to the president (see the photo with the Salahis, above), I'm concerned for Barack Obama's safety.
3) If adults like the fortysomething Salahis are so eager for fame and proximity to celebrity, what are the chances our children will be satisfied living normal, unglamorous, workaday lives?
That last scenario may sound like I'm jumping from A to Z, but the question has been bugging me for some time, long before the Salahis, long before the "balloon boy" scam by the TV-show-desirous Heene family of Colorado.
I flip through television channels today and think it's a miracle that every teenage girl and boy doesn't grow up wanting to be a reality show star or involved in some sort of attention-grabbing scandal. Too often, fame and fortune for doing nothing (or nothing good) seems a viable career path.
Before, during and after my brief tenure as an editor at People, I cringed whenever a celebrity made a magazine cover because he/she ... [pick one] was involved in a sex, drug and/or alcohol-related escapade ... revealed a secret past ... acted out ...said something outlandish.
I was employed at People on September 11. At the time, my colleagues and I were gearing up to work on the annual "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. After the events of that day, I was convinced that Americans would shun such frivolity. I thought we would become smarter, more concerned, more insistent on substance, more aware of the real life issues of our world. I was astonishingly wrong. Reality shows and D-List celebrity erupted. Instead of living in the real world, the masses (and the media?) craved the escapism of star-gazing and the grand promises of fame.
So much of daily life is now spent making ourselves known. Through Facebook, through Twitter, through LinkedIn, through blogs. (Like this one, which I created for my book. I'm guilty, too.) In an age when most every celebrity gets a book deal just because they're a celebrity, I'm still amazed and appreciative that a real publisher paid any attention to me.And in case anyone actually doesn't know, most celebrities don't write their own books—or create their own perfumes, or design the clothing lines that flaunt their name and fill their coffers.
So many celebrities are now famous simply for being famous, and they're wealthy because of it. Many people are rewarded (with fame, money, influence) for saying and doing outrageous or inappropriate things. In contrast, many "regular" people who do good, meaningful, useful work, aren't fully satisfied by uncelebrated toils. They, too, want their name in the paper, their face on TV. They want the "success" of fame.
***
Post script, December 20: Syndicated columnist Ellen Goodman makes similar observations in her December 17 column, "Hooked on Shame," which was inspired in part by the characters who have emerged courtesy of the Tiger Woods "situation." (Alas, Tiger's tales unceremoniously bumped the Salahis from the spotlight.) Newsweek's December 12 cover story also addresses the topic.
As I've mentioned before, I'm honored to have been asked to write a chapter for the upcoming anthologyCourageous Parenting, which is the brainchild of Amy Tiemann, author of Mojo Mom.
Last week's story in Time magazine aboutoverparenting(the plastic wrap boy at right appears in a photo from the article) touches on the issues the book will be addressing. As Amy explains, "Our goal with Courageous Parenting is to expand the conversation by not only providing inspiration to raise independent kids, but also the skills and strategies that parents need in order to do so."
The new Courageous Parentinganthology will be published in March 2010 in paperback and e-book form. If you register with Real Life Support for Moms — by sending a "Sign Me Up" email toCP [at] LifeSupportForMoms.com(I'm not printing the actual @ address to protect against spammers) — I'll send you a free copy of the Courageous Parenting e-book as soon as it's released.
Amy's goal for the book is that it will improve families' lives by showing how parents can prepare for and encourage their children's growing independence—and not lose themselves in the process.
Here's the line-up of Courageous Parenting's writers and what we'll each be talking about:
The Power of Personal Significance for Kids of All Ages by Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, offering local and online parent training.
I’m Worried I Worry Too Much But How Do I Stop? by Jamie Woolf, author of Mom-in-Chief.
IV. Finding your voice and raising it for the community
Mom Bloggers Raising Their Political Voices by Joanne Bamberger, author of the PunditMom blog.
Activist Parents: Challenge and Progress Through the Eyes of MomsRising.org by Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, co-founder of MomsRising.org
It Takes a Motherhood by Cooper Munroe and Emily McKhann, founders of TheMotherhood.com
Says Amy: "I have spent years developing relationships with these talented experts. Each and every one of them has changed my life in a significant way, and they have the potential to so for you, too!"
New Moon opens on Friday! The following essay, which I wrote as a walk-up to the movie's release, was featured at BettyConfidential.com on Monday. (Here's the link to that fun website.) BettyConfidential titled the article "Confessions of a Mom who loves Twilight." I'm fine with that, even though the piece isn't just about me. Really, I have company in this addiction.
In the 12 months since I was clued into the Twilight phenomenon (yes, I was a latecomer), I’ve determined that Twilight’s older readers—call ‘em the 30-pluscrowd—fall into two camps beyond the typical Team Edward and Team Jacob divisions.
In the first camp are the women who are not just smitten, but consumed by Edward and Bella’s romance. (And they likely have a deep crush on Edward Cullen, especially as depicted by actor Robert Pattinson, 23, which they can justify as being non-creepy because the forever 17-year-old Edward is actually more than 100 years old.) These “pumas” and “cougars” read all four books in a matter of days. They’ve seen Twilight, the first movie, multiple times. They’ve downloaded the PDF of Midnight Sun, Meyer’s partial manuscript of Twilight from Edward’s point of view, and they’re likely furious about the author’s decision to not finish the book because her artistic integrity was violated when someone she trusted leaked the draft. (Oh, pu-leeze, Stephenie, get over it already. Finish Midnight Sun and then retell the three other books in Edward’s voice. He’s so much more interesting than Bella!)
Once all official Twilight paths have been traveled, these seemingly mature women join Twilight chat rooms, watch Twilight trailers and fan-made films on YouTube, and searchthe Internet for articles like this one about mothers who are obsessed with all things Twilight.
In the other camp are the women who, even though they read at least the first book or saw the first movie, remain unmoved by the stories and are actually getting on with their lives.
Teenagers and other young women who have crushes on Edward (or Jacob, or the actors who play them) are enthralled by the fantasy, and the possibility of themselves finding true love. Their enthusiasm isn’t hard to understand. But my mom-friend Darlene has a theory about why some grown women are, as Bella declares about herself, “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with” Edward Cullen, and why others don’t succumb to his charms.
“The women who love Edward and Twilight are the ones who had a passionate love affair when they were younger,” explains Darlene. According to her theory, Twilight takes them back to those feelings — of wanting someone so badly and being wanted by him, of feeling desired, cared for, protected. Women who never had those passionate feelings can’t relate in the same way to Edward and Bella’s love story. “They don’t miss what they never had,” she says. “We miss what we had.”
That last part is the rub — “what we had.” I was 19 when I met my husband, he was 20. So much of Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn reminds me of our shared moments: the initial infatuation and hesitancy to get involved, the push-and-pull to change or not change the other person, the private moments and celebrations, the struggles and battles of will, the forced separations and the reunions. In the course of daily, grown-up life, it becomes hard for couples to remember life before babies and bosses, bills and to-do lists, beer bellies and drooping boobs.
(Okay, yuck, sorry about that last unpleasant image.Quick, get it out of your head by looking at this picture of Edward / Rob Pattinson!)
As for the other part of Darlene’s theory—that the Twilight-immune are passion deprived — I’ve since found myself wondering about the past and present love lives of those who can resist. In some cases, I think Darlene might be right.
I know that seeing the New Moon movie will reignite the addiction I shook only a few months ago, but I won’t be alone. I’ve made friends — both through the Internet and in person — with dozens of women who can’t quit Edward. And I enjoy the multi-generational commonality among the Twilight obsessed. I can talk minutia about the books and films and soundtracks with everyone from my friends’ tween and teendaughters to the college-age girls I work with at my part-time job. Seeing my enthusiasm, my mature-beyond-her-seven-years Bella-lookalike daughter (really!) is interested in the characters and my recitation of the stories.
I also take great comfort in the kind words of my 17-year-old neighbor, Lexi, who, when I mocked my fascination with the books, especially since they were written for teenage girls, said, “Oh, no, the books are for you. Stephenie Meyer is a mom and she wrote the stories for herself as much as she did for people my age.”
Yes, Lexi, she did. (And you go right on thinking that the 35-year-old Stephenie Meyer and I are the same age.)
P..S. Check out the Twilight: New Moon opening weekend chat fest at TheMotherhood.com.
I am honored to have been selected to write a chapter for Amy Tiemann's upcoming anthology Courageous Parenting, which will be published in March by Spark Press. Amy, who is the author of Mojo Mom: Nurturing Yourself While Raising a Family (that's her website logo, at left), has welcomed me into an awesome line-up of smart, mom-oriented parenting writers that includes Joanne Bamberger, author of PunditMom.com, Joan Blades and Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, founders of MomsRising.org and Emily McKhann and Cooper Munroe, creators of TheMotherhood.com.
I'll post more about Courageous Parenting as we get closer to its release. In the meantime, please check out Amy's podcast interviews with the book's contributors. Here's the link to her interview with me about my chapter, Having the Courage to Become Your Own Parenting "Expert."
Click here to read about The Stay-at-Home Survival Guide by Melissa Stanton, which is available at libraries, book stores and through online retailers. If you like The Guide, please post an Amazon.comreview.
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